digital girl

[machinery]

I dream you in my restroom countdown
I felt you through my finger-tipped types
I saw you through the bus window.
highway blur, yellow line love
?I can?t get anything else registered but endless images of you
flashing on street corners.
you
?twitching on, twitching off
walking closer, then vanishing
?I?d only see you in excerpts.
I wish I could tune into you
I wish I could pause this moment,
close my eyes and re-open them to you
I wish I didn?t have to hold my breath
?this vision is starting to rag my self-worth.
I can?t escape your channel,
the endless lines in your face.
your TV perception draw?
my eyes are dilated and my arms are open,
please progress to me.

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[SHATOUSHKA]

i try not to (seriously) comment on the fly. i think things must be read upon several occasions in order to get a spectrum effect of a piece.
however, i must say, had i not read any more of this, i'd still like the first line.

although not my intentions, what a great tag-line.

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~~share some greased tea with me~~
General Philosophy
Discuss This...
The Acropolis

[machinery]

why just the first line?
explain. help me out.
show, don't tell.


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[Hannibal]

I felt you through my finger-tipped types

That line I didn't really care for, the whole end of it "finger-tipped types" just.. seemed wierd. After first reading it's starting to grow on me, but just doesn't quite settle in like the rest of the peice.?

this vision is starting to rag my self-worth.

I didn't care for the word rag there either, just didn't fit. I don't really know what you were going for, but rag just... didn't go for me at least...

This work seemed good, but seems like a diamond in a rough.


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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[paige11]

i really like the image you're going for, but i think you could use a few more digital references. toward the end, the girl seems more like a real person, and that makes her seem closer or more obtainable, and i don't get the impression you want that image.
i like the flashing on street corners and twitching part, very cool word selection

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